I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
