I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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