Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
