i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i need some magic done to my vagina
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
