Buhtt sex?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
