you guys were way drunker than both of me
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
