I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
