i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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