I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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