She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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