Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
