I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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