I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
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