he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
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He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
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We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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