I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
