I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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