she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
