Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
