we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
