Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We left the knife in your bed.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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