I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
