just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
we should paint friendship bongs
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