her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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