One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
