ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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