I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Randomize
