You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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