Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
