fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
