I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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