i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
