U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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