24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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