I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
