So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
