you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
