a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
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Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
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He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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