you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
