I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
