I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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