So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
