I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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