Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
