i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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