Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
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All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Put some vodka in it
put some vodka in it
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.