I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
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I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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