I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
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i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP