The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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