so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
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i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
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He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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