I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
