Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
