Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
