Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
