I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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