can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Pappa wants mamma naked
Small penises have feelings too.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
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We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
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I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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