sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
