are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
