Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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